I put off today a few times. Buddy hasn’t had very good health for a few months. After a second opinion, 3 medications twice a day plus a specialized cough medicine, his quality of life wasn’t where it should be. The vet told me that they have thrown everything they have at it. His heart was failing and would only get worse. His little eyes looked at me during his coughing fits and seizures and I knew he wasn’t okay anymore.

There is something very unsettling for me to know that I was the one who decided it was time. Who am I? Was he ready? He was still happy on my lap. He still chased a bunny every time he could. Afterwards was always rough because his little body didn’t want him to chase it. He was only 9 and a half years old. For a chihuahua, I feel like we were robbed of another 8 or 9 years.

When we rescued him from 7 E. J Street  in Sparks, I didn’t realize what kind of companion he would become. I had every intention of re-homing him. Mark and I both didn’t think we were ‘little dog’ people. Somehow, his little eyes were magic. Buddy had both of us wrapped around his little paw from early on.

Today the drive into the vet was harder than before. All of my emotions were running through my head remembering just months earlier doing this with Daizee. I still haven’t been able to think about that day without losing myself. Now, driving the same road to do the same thing with Buddy. I wasn’t okay.

I tried talking to the lady at the front desk to tell her why I was there, but she couldn’t understand me through the tears. I kept repeating myself, knowing that each time it still sounded the same. After some tissues were handed my way, I was able to get the words out so they could finally understand.

While waiting for the doctor to come in, I cried all over his tiny little head. I kissed his wet head a thousand times. The only thing that made sense to say to Buddy was thank you. He let me love him with all of my heart, and he loved me back just as much.

Leaving, I felt like I was missing something. I was leaving without a part of me. How do these dogs do this to our hearts? How do they love us so much? He belonged with me.

I am going to miss the little feet following me around the house. I’m going to miss his scratches on the door when I go to a kids room in the middle of the night. Who is going to howl when the kids are crying?  The bunnies on our property aren’t going to know what to do with themselves without Buddy chasing them around.  The little shadow that has been at my feet for the past 9 years is going to be truly missed.

I know he is going to play with Baby, Trouble and Daizee now. Our pack is back together.